Realized

Time drifted by and as I remembered what I once cradled in my arms, I realize those times are gone, the only thing I have are memories, some not so great than others, but my heart was always wanting the best.
I thought I did the best I could possibly do for them, but I sit here and realize how much time I lost trying to make my (our) life better. I was a child myself when I was called "Mommy" for the first time, I took my burden to others and went away with no regret, 6 years in school and 9 years in corporate, all to be the best provider. There were times I don't know how I woke nor fell asleep, days I didn't remember from the exhaustion of life.

Never did I realize you would become my whole world,
Never realized how far we would go,
Never knew how much I would do,
Never knew I loved you so,
and I thought I loved you then,
I know how much I love you now.

Pain sets in my heart watching my world in your new world,
What I never thought I would see,
What I didn't prepare myself for,
Guess I thought you would be little forever,
and I thought forever would be tomorrow too,
My tomorrow is your yesterday.

I've done everything for you, all was for you,
I finally realize how this life works,
You live to find your half,
Your love,
You'll hurt,
You'll cry,
You'll break,
and I can only get that last time to cradle you once more,
and when it's over,
I'll watch you find your way,
Life might be rough, but worth everything,
And when you find your way,
I hope you follow your path,
Your dreams,
Your heart,
But most of all, your ALL, as that was all I gave to you, no regrets, just my ALL...


I forgot to realize all your going to do is grow in this world.

Never Gave Up to Lose

Part one of my life really started when I didn’t know how to interpret my gift, and sometime before I could embrace the unreal, my gift seemed like a curse. My imagination grew as fast as seasons change, and before I could grip a pencil or write my name, I knew I was different than any other girl. The amount of hours I would spend talking to myself in the mirror, or the amount of time I would spend thinking my whole life had a video camera in front of me. My imagination grew faster than I could embrace it, and before I knew how to read, I knew how to lie, not just small lies, big lies that would manifest into a physiological chain of events, all before I even knew what gift I had. As time could tell, my lies became stories that would entertain my mind for hours at a time, the trouble I got into for the lies I would make, would turn into the stories of the reaction that I would encounter, and my imagination would soon turn into a life long present, to see stories unfold before they were even thought out. It wasn’t that I saw myself creating lies, it was that, I saw myself in the situation of someone seeking the reactions of others. My lie that landed me straight into a parent teacher conference ended with Mr. Papas telling my parents that my imagination was too big for my little mind to handle, and his reaction to my lies, was simple, they were not lies, I was a story teller, one that would eventually learn that my stories belonged on paper, he knew I didn’t live in a basement with 8 siblings that I cared for, he knew the make believe land I came from was none other than a vivid imagination that I created, and most of all, he knew something before I even knew, I would live my life and leave my path through my creations of words. At a young, when writing your name 10 dozen times to learn how it’s spelled, I had something in me that was far out of reach, and my stories would only bloom to a world of questions, and not having friends would encourage my imagination to believe, I really did exist in my made up fantasy of a land far beyond this life.

I recall my stories as if it were memories of my life events, I could trace the path of where I was when I was to be here. I found myself struggling in life because I couldn’t understand how I lived and existed in my mind, and this real life, this real world, was a figment of a bad imagination. You wouldn’t be surprised to know when I learned how to write, I had more stories than I did pages, it wouldn’t surprise you to know I was considered an author before I knew what publishing meant, my first book, my first criticism my first touch of words to paper, how I chose every word specifically to create what my mind saw. I was on my way to a path lead on paper and written by my hands, for my hands would take me to see things that were real for me, places I could finally show people who thought them to be lies, a passion I found and the one thing that made me the happiest girl in the world, to create my world, my life, all my expeditions and have the ability to share it with whom ever believed in my lies. I still couldn’t digest this gift of mine to be fiction, because it wasn’t at all, it was and is as real to me as it is this life in the flesh. I hurt, I cried, I laughed, I didn’t understand, because to me, my real world was on paper now, not the flesh that I am, my greatest adventures were flowing on pages, not in real life. I was a sickly child, looked weird, didn’t have much of friends, couldn’t do the activities that normal kids could do because I was always sick and my mother feared for me, when kids were playing outside I lived my life through a bottle of get well medications and a pencil in my hand, that for the life of me couldn’t sharpen as fast as I could think and write.

Everyone one knew I was different, I had something in me that kept giving even when I wasn’t giving anymore, I had ambition to follow myself to every last sentence to know what would happen in my own stories. At night when all the little angels were sleeping, this little angel would wake up and my mind would open to a whole new world, for a moment in my life that lasted years, I had my whole creation in the silence of my dreams, and how I loved it there. The weeping willows told stories of our kind, of our creators, and of all the creations, they were the ones we loved that left us who were creators of our kind, they would tell the stories as we would sit around as if a camp fire. Everything was made of sense, of hope, of faith, and of our minds, if we could see it, we could be it, and it grew in me, until there wasn’t anything left to grow me, then to grow up. I suffered the biggest draw back of ones life time, I had to learn to separate the fiction from the non fiction, and I had to learn to pick up the pieces of a shattered little girl to make sense that maybe I wasn’t as little as I thought myself to be anymore. I was a young women that lost her innocent mind to the fondling of a man who was said to be a friend of the family. Hate grew in my heart, and I wasn’t prepared to handle a life I didn’t understand, I learned to fail this life before I learned to give it a chance. Life went by faster than I known it to be, and I couldn’t make a story or a lie to change what came of it.

I learned at a very young age, life is only as grand as you allow it to be, and if you don’t allow the grand, then you will live to not understand the meaning behind every step you leave behind. I learned the hard way that no could mean yes to someone who didn’t care to hear you. I skipped the whole part of my fairy tale, when the person who made me smile, broke me to tears, and placed indescribable pain in the pit of my stomach after I was only but a little girl. A near perfect score that would place my crazy made up lies of a story into a triple digit iq, before I was even old enough to vote. That was still a part of my life I didn’t care to understand, because writing made all the hurt in the world go away, but I woke up to the cry of a fearful child who didn’t understand his new world. I couldn’t understand how not knowing nothing at all of this life made me a mother to a child, scared and left with words that didn’t make sense on paper anymore, my stories were over. I was taken down a road that I didn’t know was ahead, I should have been lost but through the mist of knowing I had a little someone inside me, I vowed to protect that little imagination for as long as I lived. Though the mist of all my new surroundings, I threw myself into what I thought was a non fiction story, that soon would turn to be my new fiction. Just like on paper I didn’t give up, I went where my characters would go, even knowing that I might not know where they went until they were already there. To my surprise my new story made mistakes, got taken advantage of and learned that most men are just as crazy as there own mothers. That didn’t stop me from looking for my ending, with 2 imaginations in each hand, I made smiling easy, I made it all the way to the top with them and only me, for our 3 imaginations would now be impossible to unravel. You wouldn’t be surprised to know school came so easy, so very easy that I found myself with more degrees than I could use in a life time, and you wouldn’t be surprised to know I became very important to people who were very important in this life. I stood at the top of everything I didn’t imagine or write our plan, and I stood finally happy as I made my words to be my own story. This life didn’t hurt me anymore, I wasn’t scared anymore, I didn’t fear, I didn’t blush, and I learned I was a woman of many strengths and many gifts, and this time instead of being new to the ideas, I embraced them to see where it could take me. Only 3 things that mattered to me, mine, his and her imagination, everything else was just a plus in my story.

I didn’t live an invisible life, I kept on making new memories, learned something new everyday, lost something everyday, but enjoyed every moment. I played my life as fluent as a pianist. I didn’t care about what people thought of me, I had so much of this world to explore and so much time to teach my imaginations to grow, that everything has and will be as perfect as I would write my story to be. I met my match while sorting through my imagination, and just when I thought no one was interested, I found a friend that shared my same fictional life, her and I will always be the story that never ends.

Shortly my life is still the story that never ends, even for a moment of time as I became that sickly girl with needles pinned in my arm, a familiar feeling I knew. Stories emerged from the new stories and new paths I would take, poems were created, thoughts were fondly gathered, as I thought my 2 imaginations would be the only thoughts left behind for me in this world. The story wouldn’t end here, I fought as the last warrior standing on an empty battle field, I fought tears, I fought fears, I fought pain, I fought and lost pieces inside me, and even then I refused for my story to end. I had tears in my eyes that showed me that this life is just as real as the ones I made, I hurt, I cried, I yelled, I feared, I had pain in every vein that ran through my body keeping me alive. I thought I lost my faith, I thought I was empty handed, I thought my pen would finally run out of ink, I lost myself, only to find that I really wanted to live in this life of flesh, and through the imaginations of these 2 amazing little beings, my real life became my new found glory.

Being deprived from all the good around me that I was relentless to see with my eyes open, I learned to fill my heart back and not be afraid of what scared me the most. Allowing me to open doors I didn’t know I closed, allowing me to see the scars because I finally lived not existed. My painful decisions that I thought was the best choices for my life, allowed me to realize material things wouldn’t save me from all the hurt I should have let myself feel. The first thing that ever hurt my 2 little imaginations was knowing this imagination of mine was fading and scared, it was the first time I couldn’t imagine myself out of this world, it was the first time my imagination wasn’t on my side. It was a time I would learn to allow my imagination to be my faith and ask for help, it was a time my 2 little imaginations would imagine my imagination to survive in this life. With every beat in my life, I wanted to imagine with them, but tears fell before I could believe I’d be okay. It was the first time they ever saw me scared, the first time they thought we shouldn’t live in a place that doesn’t really exist, they told me to fight with everything I had until I just couldn’t fight anymore, and they promised me that they would remember every story we made together and not to be afraid, to just let it be if I couldn’t fight. My word did I fight, every day that shouldn’t have been, and through the time I had all my prayers answered, I found what this life means for me, I found how much I love this life, and how much I would do to stay in this life. I learned to accept what and who I am, and that everything happens for reasons to come, sometimes reasons that wouldn’t make sense.

Through my fears, my tears, my pain, I found my other half, and he is the answers to all my questions that I had, all the hurt and pain I thought men were made of. He came in just as scared as me, and saw me for what I saw him as, the piece that was missing. I was afraid my 2 little imaginations would be separated and would have in their heart a piece of hurt that only man could make We finally found someone who would set our imaginations free into a light of existence, and help us believe faith is just a prayer away. Through his words his prayers and his tremendous strength he had to hold all 3 imaginations up, he vowed to go through the end of this story with us. He’s all I ever needed to teach me more than I thought I knew, and he is all we needed to have someone to hold us up when we lean, that hand to help us up when we fall, and that laugh we need to make all of life’s trials humorous. So close to having everything, I learned my fear is real, my fear exists, my pain is real and my words have always been a never ending story of a life long imagination. I may have it all, at least all my prayers answered.

Never take what you can’t give, and always give presents that come from your gift, for the real gift, is, once you give, it keeps giving. I can’t say I understand it all, but I can say I understand a lot more standing from where I stand. I got more than I bargained for, I got 4 extra years, 4 extra years that I would have missed, so I guess the most scary thing now, is to not know what I will miss. But I know what I will remember, don’t take life for granted, don’t take one smile with out giving one back, don’t doubt what isn’t intended for you to understand. I believe in happy endings now, I believe I’m exactly where I am supposed to be, I believe I have more than I had with my hands empty. I understand this life of flesh is just a life of flesh, for it’s a stop to where we belong, and even if my story must end here, I’ll have so many more when you see me next time. I love my 2 little imaginations, I am there gift that will keep giving, as they will keep giving what I leave them. A perfect life of laughter is what I shared with my 2 children that will not understand what’s to come, but will understand this in-perfected life we all must have, but the one thing they will have is to see perfect and great in all this chaos. So miss me they will, miss them I will, hurt we shall but pain we will not fear, and fights we will give to our battles, and in the end we win either way, because we never give up to lose…

A Million and One Dollar

As a child I prayed for forgiveness

I asked to be saved

I asked for help and to be guided

I prayed for every single person I knew

I prayed after I felt guilty

Before I ate

After I ate

And for my blessings everyday 

I didn’t ask for anything

I didn’t want anything

Never prayed for what I wanted

Just what I needed

Maybe for a certain doll during x-mas

Maybe for a mean kid to break their arm

Maybe for a million and one dollars

Maybe for that certain boy to like me

Then I’d pray to forgive me

To pardon my evil way

To destroy that jealous feeling

And to help me fight my demons

After time had passed

I didn’t ask for forgiveness

Didn’t pray for help, guidance or to be saved

Even stopped praying for ever person I knew

With ever page I turned I only had more questions,

With ever word I read I contradicted my own beliefs,

And after I sat in confusion wondering about what else

was out there and why, and why must I be confused. Everything is a religion.

Atheist if more than one person believes to not believe that is their religion

If you care to believe in anything at all non-existent or existent, that is faith.

Here I come

I’ve made a decision that many are not fond of.
In all honesty I’ve never cared about anyone who thought or thinks anything of me. 
I’m still my own persona and I will continue to strive for more then what my expectations are.
If I shall fall short…… 
Well lets just say when you aim for the moon, I'll still end up on a star.
How many have dreams about there future?  How and what they expect it to be? How many act on there dreams?  Plan it out sketch a business plan surrounding there ideas and establish some credibility to make it possible.. 
Unlike others who can only see there dreams with there eyes closed, I refuse to love my dreams more then life, I'm just not cut out to be a dreamer.
My dreams become reality not actuality, and I strive to be and go where everyone is scared to be…
 I run with the freedom of knowing, I’m that much closer to self fulfilling my own indulgence… 
How many can really truly say that of themselves? 
I know at times I may fall off the curve, I may get way too ahead of myself, drive with out  breaks, but, I know myself well enough to fall and pick myself back up.. 
I run sometimes before walking but that’s only because I’ve crawled, walked and now I run… 
I enjoy hearing peoples concerns I’m even okay with seeing there negativity try to stray me away… 
However, even though it should push me more, it saddens me to see how frightened people are to make there dreams reality and tangible… 
It’s amazing to finally make a dream tangible, it feels so untouchable, it’s an extraordinary feeling that everyone should experience.
Walking through all odds and knowing I’m going to fall, knowing it’s a long road ahead, I find my way threw my eyes and my eyes only… 
And you know what??? I’m happy with that… If I’m not scared of this freedom, no one should be scared for me… 

I will crawl, walk and run again, and your permission isn't needed, but your support will be thoughtfully appreciated.

Wild Orchid

The simplest unpredictable gift was given to me and I failed to notice,

I felt so blind,

To over see something so big in detail, yet so small in size, but so full of life,

I was so unkind.

My dad had always provided me with more than just necessities in our life,

He has always been simple,

He never had to go out of his way to make me smile, presence was a present,

One could imagine.

As I got older, seemed as if gifts didn’t exist maybe on a holiday or a birthday,

But that was it.

Never have I minded, it is a part of growing up with out realizing I wasn’t his little girl anymore,

until one day.

A few months back while playing beer pong, and quarters with my pops he brought me something,

A flower?

Ha, my Dad and a flower, too funny not so cute, but I kept it with out realizing her worth,

I was so blind.

I finally killed it today; it accompanied me from California to Las Vegas and died here,

I was so unkind.

Chevelle smacked it out of the vase, chewed the stem off and ravished the flowers to death,

She made dying simple.

My dad told me it didn’t need to be watered much, nor taken care of, it would live on its own,

I imagined it would die with me, quickly.

To my surprise I had it longer than I thought I would, I never cared for flowers, but now I do,

Because that was it, it’s gone.

I didn’t realize I had a piece of my Dad here, a piece that made me laugh when I still saw it alive,

My damn Dad gave me a flower,

Not a beer, not a shot, not a game of beer pong or running the table on a game of pool, a flower,

I have a Harley, 2008 Deluxe slammed on air ride; kept to original disguise, chromed out, true duel vance and hines exhaust,

And he gave me a flower.

I guess I’m not as rough when I care about a simple flower, why am I over worked on this idea?

A flower.

I guess I didn’t realize he took his time finding this flower, finding something just like me,

You don’t have to take care of it,

But yet it will stay alive,

You can miss treat it and not water it often,

And it’ll still blooms,

You may not pay attention to it often,

But it’s still there,

And when you try to destroy it, you can’t it’ll still be alive,

And when you finally realize what you had,

It’s gone.

I’m sorry Daddy, I didn’t think of it until now, if it’s any consolation, I placed it in a different vase, and finally watered it, cut the dead stems off but it still has it’s wings, well leaves but I’m going to try to care this time, even if it’s too late.

Guilty Heart

Can you hear the rain drops falling on the roof. Staring at what you made into a shadow in the dark, you drift while your mind is awake and your body falling into a trance of a spell bound dream.

Some people dance like no one is watching,

Some people sing like no one is listening,

Some people love like it never hurt before,

Can you hear the storm getting closer, the sound of the thunder has come closer to the door, and close to home. You hide so silent and still sheltered in the blankets you stay, hoping for a dream.

Wiseman said what hurts the most is pain,

Wiseman said you’ll know love when you die,

Wiseman said see the obvious not the lie,

Wiseman said act a fool you'll be a fool,

Can you hear the invisible footsteps your mind is making you hear? The silent nights never felt so loud. Your thoughts never kept your mind awake while trying to sleep. How sad it is when you become your guilt..

You smile as if you don’t even know what your lie is.. You grin in the day and cry your eyes at night.. You know deep in your heart they deserve better than you and your lies, but you're compelled to believe you can change.. But change seems so far away when your eyes hide your pain and you can’t cope with who you are.. Change seems so far away when you can’t change your lies because they’ve become you and your lies are you, you are all you made yourself to be.. Don’t cry just pray karma doesn’t turn your corner, you're not strong enough to handle it, and I’ll pray for your happiness..

Trigger

Time changes and another day is born,

Night falls and another star is seen,

The dawn breaks light and a horizon is drawn,

The moon shines and the season is over….

Days into dark,

Moons roll,

Seasons fall,

Time fades,

And a Story is told….

I’ve contemplated a trigger,

I’ve contemplated a stare,

I’ve contemplated my life,

I’ve contemplated yours…

Seconds sound off the minute,

Minutes fade the hour,

Hours pass the dial,

And another day is gone….

The day I’ve waited to see my whole life,

Was a glimpse of a minute too soon too slow,

The time when reality was finally better than my dreams,

And the time I realized my dream has become reality,

And I stayed in the seasons of being nothing…..

Scheming

I’ve always maintained my composure no matter what situation may rise.

I wanted to know the feeling of running with the wreck less emotion of not scheming my heart.

I know now what it is to wake by your side and I know now what I don’t want to be without.

I can’t explain how much I love being with you and knowing you exist for me.

I asked GOD for you without you realizing, and without realizing you really existed.

I can’t change what I feel, and I can’t change what others would love to change.

You’re here with me now, I’ve found my place in your arms and in your eyes.

I tell you I love you because it’s the closes way to let you know how I feel, I tell you I miss you when I’m in your arms because I know I just can’t stay there forever.

And when I leave, that kiss always feels like it might be the last so I make sure you can hear my heart skip every time you're near.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I can only imagine it will bring me another day. Another day so I can tell you I love you today, just as yesterday and just as the next day

When You Know Nothing At All

The depth of my mind may only be a figment of your imagination, a perplex impediment for those who set sail with Captain Morgan. But as everyone has their desires, contradict me, and I’m game. I can likely figure you out within 5 minutes of having a conversation with you. I’m an obstruction in your mind, in ways leaving myself fascinated by the anomalous uncertainties that you can only find when your certain. Your thirst will be to figure me out, as my thirst is to quench my dehydration. Upon the entrance of my masquerade, you can uncover your façade for your mask cant hide lust. I’m genuine and would never betray the ones I love, I value my family for being humble and only seeing those who are real. My mind is constantly learning and I’m consistently challenged, I’ve LOVED, LOST, and LEARNED, the three things every soul can’t escape. I yearn to place a smile on your face, I crave for the ones that will give to me what I’ll give back. I don’t belong to anyone’s virus, satisfaction is found on my own, if you lust for what you see, you’ll desire what you know, but the possibilities are endless when you know nothing at all.

Cousin Mike

God placed a piece of heaven here on earth and blessed us with his laughter, and eternal memories that will forever grow in our hearts.

Although we weren’t ready to see his wings spread, we knew he was ready for his eternal life to begin.

Heaven couldn’t have blessed us more than to know him as a husband, a father an uncle a God father a friend, “My God Father” (our angel)

Forever his laughter will be heard, forever our hearts will beat with his, and if tears could build a stairway to heaven, we know we’ll be graced in his presence again.

In our heart we couldn’t have asked for more, than to know he once stood by our side.

And as they say; he’s that whisper in the wind, that imaginary friend, that shadow on the ground, and he’ll be until the end, for our hearts will be sure to carry him every step of the way.

Cousin

I took everyday for granted thinking there was always tomorrow,

never did I realize tomorrow was so close to being today.

And now I hold my heart in my hands as it’s never felt so heavy,

at times it feels as if I can’t breath, other time it feels as if I don’t want to breath.

I know deep in my heart you knew everyone’s heart went out to you

and you were heard in more prayers than you knew,

I wish you would have known you were in mine.

Thinking of yesterday and the days before that turned into years

today still seems so far away from you being gone.

How I wish I could have seen you once more,

hug you,

laugh with you

and just let you know how much I would miss you,

how many memories keep me laughing.

Now as tomorrow passed today sets in and I didn’t have that chance to tell you,

and through the gravity that holds us in this atmosphere

I hope you can hear my heart cry out to you,

tell you all that I never got the chance to say.

My fondest memories will always be locked in my heart

forever will I remember that waltz around the dance floor on that sunny day in June of 1995 on my Quincenera, you are my cousin and my god father and a friend I always had,

my heart will always be heavy as it pains to cry,

and unlike no other feeling

I will always remember that tomorrow could be so close to today,

I just wish I could have hugged you once more

and laugh with you once more,

I’ve always carried you in my heart and when you love someone they stay in your heart forever and forever you will be..

My Shepard

THE moon turned a half circle, if it wasn’t for the rain you would think June.

LORD knows how ignored the wind could be when deplored.

IS my time prime? Or was it just the sublime beauty of night? It was almost a crime.

MY heart had a part that was never art, I always wish she’d restart.

SHEPARD I played until betrayed, afraid and frayed I became, just like that spade.

I laid in my own charade, like I was inside an arcade I was strayed.

SHALL I close my eyes and hope to stay blind?

NOT unless I was done with the fight, and couldn’t write, but not this night.

WANT a font like Vermont?

HE knows you and I like a card, we have no guard.

MAKETH a promise just like Saint Thomas, and know your eyes tell no lies.

ME? I would rather be wise than despise what my eyes can’t baptize.

TO my dreams that deems all my screams, it was never a scheme.

LIE as I fly away

DOWN to a frown,

IN eyes of a clown,

GREEN or brown,

PASTURES wouldn’t drown

HE wouldn’t bare a crown

LEADETH me to a gown

ME in a ball gown,

BESIDE a ghost town

THE clown danced in a small town.

STILL I couldn’t see my feet on the ground, but it was that sound that was around.

WATERS couldn’t stand still, for me to kneel, I couldn’t feel my heart twas made of steel.

HE RESTORTH MY SOUL:

HE took my hand, he

LEADETH me in the paths of righteousness.

FOR his voice, was a choice, I made to rejoice in

HIS

NAMES sake.

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me.

Surely I will feel lost at times, and surely I will count and call on you.

Goodness to be where I don’t know where I’m going.

and to all my memories left behind, I shall not hurt if I must say good bye

mercy on their souls so our eternal life can begin.

shall I remember them in my dreams? Shall I know how it will feel to miss them?

follow me as this I know, I can’t take no more, be with

Me, as I am scared, all I ask is for you to explain why, because my eyes will stay behind and

The day will come again when I will remember.

days can’t take my yesterday and my yesterday was the time

of everything they wont forget.

my time was limited, my battles were never defeated, and I never knew why

Life couldn’t leave me alone, from all the pain I held in my hands, explain this to me

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."

So as I lay me down to sleep,

I give you my soul to keep,

If I shall die,

I give you my soul to take,

If I shall wake I pray my soul to accept what I can’t change,

But if I shall die before I wake,

I pray my soul to remember my child’s names, and my spirit to stay and hurt as they, to be away.

GOD I shall fear no evil I shall fear no pain but I want to see them grow, please don’t take me away…

Russian Roulette

Playing Russian roulette with the devils hand,

Dancing with him under the neon moon light,

A different face, a massacre, a ballet of rum,

An endeavourers hold, an immortal verse,

A stare of an unknown refection,

A bitter sweet surrender,

A dance to remember,

A night to forget,

A night to fall,

A night cry,

A night a

Knight,

Was,

Me.

Losing Control

Has everything ever moved so fast around you slowing down was never an option? Having everything in perspective was never an concern as it was a requirement, having everything set in place and prearranged, was nothing more then habit, and the circumference around you was never big enough for you not to look out of. Knowing, everything revolved around the power of your own words and knowing every thing that changed was at a velocity dawdling enough for you to grasp with out a grapple, and make the best from everything. A feeling you’re not too far away and you are the only person in control of your destiny and in control of everything around, to know what it is to call yourself intuitive.

Have you ever had to eradicate yourself out of reality and apprehend you’re not in control of the things that matter most? Everything you had worked for and everything that was in the palm of your hands is now improbable, and the circumference that never seemed to matter is the only sector your living your life through. I’ve always said I’d hit the ground running, however never anticipated I’d have to hit the ground because I knew where I had been and where I was going. Then to depend on people you never wanted to hold your hand. What a clout to the face to realize a lesson learned at such an age of endurance.

My reality was building an empire so high and secluded from anything that could make me fall. I built myself around dreams I wanted to make reality and it a moment of time I had my life in the palm of my hands and an illness came and swept me dry of everything I had going for myself. I let myself fall, drown, bleed and permitted myself to hate everything because I realized I fell short of the things that mattered the most.

My life was so perfect I was able to act like anything I wanted just to escape my work. Being untroubled, blithe and acting a fool was a laugh I needed to give myself because my mind was beyond obsessive by everything I wanted to be and revolutionize. I would see projects everywhere I went I couldn’t leave the house with out a pen and paper because my mind worked a million miles an hour and slowing down was never an option. And declining from my own magnitude and being able to escape my own mind at times would take me into a place I loved being. I was uninhibited, unperturbed, I would do what ever I wanted to do and never cared what people thought because I knew myself that well to know I had boundaries even though I didn’t want people to know. However those who knew me knew I had a bogus front, that I had an escape, and my life was so controlled by structure seeing a venture was only to clear my mind up and flee from my consumption. None the most,, I looked forward to those days I didn’t care because my life gradually started desecrating from my path and because for the first time I wasn’t in command.

Random Quotes

Perfect love casts out fear. Where there is love there are no demands, no expectations, no dependency. I do not demand that you make me happy; my happiness does not lay in you. If you were to leave me, I will not feel sorry for myself; I enjoy your company immensely, for the only thing I depend on is the comfort of your smile...

The best of conversations occur when there is no competition, no vanity, but a calm quiet interchange of sentiments

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

Don't mistake my weakness for kindness, my weakness can over see a thousand battles.

Love is an emotion to grand to control, LOVE but never fall in love..

You never know what turns life might take, you'll never see them coming, sometimes never see a sign, and you might not even realize how strong you really are, until being strong is the only choice you have

A chapter in your past doesn't mean you have to close the book... Just turn the page. Be the person with the middle finger in the air; for the first time don't care

Mommy where does the rain come from? "God is crying." Mommy why is God crying, "I don't know Isley, probably because of something you did." Finally got her back from her "yo mama joke to Anthony" Hahahah

When you think the world is against you, just think about how many people you dislike, they have more than just the world against them. Ugly people stay ugly forever, it's a hereditary curse

Take time to realize, that your world is passing you by, life is never going to be that simple, I can't draw it out for you, nope it would never be that easy.

Do what ever makes you happy, say whatever you need to get off you mind, and talk about the things that matter to you, take time to realize what you want, need, and love. So go dance, as if no one is watching, Love, as if you never knew pain, and sing, as if no one is listening. And when you get a second chance hold on to it with both hands, because just like a balloon, one you let go, you’ll never see it again

People have so much to say but yet can’t stand their unidentifiable refection in the mirror. How do they know us but have no idea who they are?

A lot of times we miss what we knew and then miss out on what we didn’t know. It’s okay to be sad at times, but to dwell in sadness or the past, you forget to forget, and then you’re lost in emotions

We tend to think life is too short when we find happiness. But we waste so much time in between life’s too short and happiness, we get too caught up in the fairy-tale of dreaming, and when we least expect it… We're 30, never wait in never land

Don’t be scared to accomplish what your mind envisions, sometimes it’s easier to leave it behind as we do other thoughts. Sometimes we have the courage to try, other times we make excuses. Einstein was on to something when he said “imagination is more important then knowledge”

The best thing in life happens when you think you’re not worth anything. You actually wake up and start living for yourself.

No place to run

My heart beats on every page my pen touches,

And I can’t help but ponder why on paper,

I’ve given enough but with out words, it’s beyond lost,

I can’t begin to speak my heart, or where I am,

I trust through silence my writings speak loud,

Taking you where I find myself, and left myself.

I can’t control where my hand takes me,

But if I could say what I can write, you wouldn’t be far from me,

I guess I learned how to hide behind my words,

I don’t expect you to read everything I write,

But I always thought forgiveness is just a letter away,

I’m so far kept from feeling my emotions that I believed they didn’t exist.

When in reality they do, there're loud and speaking,

Words wind me to hear my own pain,

And I’m too stubborn to allow them to settle,

Looks like my heart is heavy and I ran out of words,

Maybe even time, my anger took the best from me,

And now I’m placing my heart on paper again.

I don’t have a place to run, I’m timid, you see me,

My guard is completely down along with my wings,

It’s your time to make your call, this is me, my fear,

And my time to realize how words hurt,

My heart is on paper but not far from you…